Jonathon Livingston Jackson
by Eilidh17
Summary: Crack!Fic. A colonel, an archaeologist, and a smarter than average bird.


**Jonathon Livingston Jackson**

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's…"

"Enough, Jack, you know full well it's a bird!" The large red feathered bird currently perched on Daniel's shoulder nuzzled its beak into his neck and quietly squawked it's disapproval of Jack.

"And didn't we have some rule about bringing home strays, most especially alien strays?"

"So you're calling Teal'c a stray?"

"Teal'c? What? No!"

"You bought him home when he had no place else to go."

"That's not the same."

_It is, too_

"What did you just say?"

Daniel looked suitably confused. "I didn't say anything."

"Did, too."

"Not!"

"Daniel, I said 'that's not the same' and you replied with 'it is, too'."

"Nope, not a word."

_You're going nuts._

"Oh, so now I'm going nuts. Is that how it's going to be?"

"How what's going to be?"

"Daniel, just get rid of the damn bird before we have to head back."

"Ah, well…"

"Yes?"

"I don't suppose you were listening to Ba'hu's lecture on the native fauna and their bizarre bonding rituals? The one I specifically asked you to pay close attention to?"

"No."

"No what?"

"No, I wasn't listening, ergo not paying attention."

"That's a shame."

"Why is that?"

"Well, for one you'd know that this bird," Daniel shrugged the shoulder the bird was perched on, "is from a breed that rarely seeks human contact, but when they do they form a neural bond with their new master."

"A neural bond, ya say?"

"He can hear and interpret my thoughts."

"Can you do the same?"

"No."

"Huh. None of that clucking like a chicken stuff in your future?"

"It's not funny, Jack."

"Could have been!"

"Okay, moving along here. You can see the dilemma I'm in."

"No."

"This bird has quite literally bonded with me!"

"Ha! So when R2—"

"Ba'hu!" Daniel corrected.

"Right. So you were conveniently tuned out of the lecture when Ba'hu said NOT to approach the birds for that very reason?"

"I thought you weren't paying attention."

Jack shrugged. "I was bullet-pointing the essentials while resting my eyes, but hey… give me credit for actually remembering that part."

"Well, then you'd know that once bonded we can't be parted."

Jack took a step back and raked his gaze over Daniel and the bird on his shoulder. "A wooden leg and a months worth of beard and you'd look quite the part. Ever considered changing professions and taking up space piracy?"

_Jack, don't be an ass._

"What did you say?" said Jack taking a step close, eyes slighted. "An ass?"

"You're imaging things."

"No, don't think so. Could have sworn you just called me…"

"I think it's the bird!"

"What?"

Daniel rolled his hand over and over animatedly. "I think what you're hearing, and what I know I haven't said out loud, is the bird picking up on my thoughts and amplifying them to you. It makes perfect sense!"

"Riiight. So, while you may not have said those words you did actually think them. You know, Daniel, there isn't much of a difference here, except that one or both of us is going nuts."

_Both of us._

"Shut up!" Jack snapped and stabbed his finger at the bird. "Both of you!"

"We can't help it, Jack."

"All I'm saying here, Daniel, is the only way you can leave this place is without the bird. Talk to Ba'hu… do something do break this damn bond!"

"The bond is for life. I'm not exactly sure what I can do! Why don't we consider the plus side of taking the bird back to Earth with us? The scientific bonus of being able to study a true telepathic link is something we haven't really had the opportunity to do before. There could be a whole range of military and scientific applications springing up from an ability that has formed quite naturally in nature."

"Alien nature."

"Your point?"

"I guess I'm surprised that you're volunteering yourself as a guinea pig for those goons at Area 51. You go back to Earth with Jonathon Livingston on your shoulder and you'll be condemning yourself to a lifetime of lobotomies and B-grade bird seed!"

_What? No coffee? _

"Bread, water, and Fiesta three times a day. Maybe decaf or instant coffee on your birthday… if you're lucky."

_Nuts!_

"I hadn't thought of that," Daniel said, suddenly looking defeated.

"Well, that's why they pay me the big dollars."

_In your dreams, flyboy!_

"Daniel!"

"I'm sorry! I can't help it!"

"You need to focus here. Don't think of anything birdbrain here can toss back at me."

_Birdbrain?_

"I said focus!"

Daniel turned to the bird and glared hard, anger burning in his eyes. "Just… just!"

The bird flapped its wings and screeched once, before dropping ungraciously to the ground.

"Daniel?" Jack toed the bird with his boot. "I think its dead."

"Oh."

"What did you…?"

"I didn't mean too. I mean… I thought…"

"Daniel!"

"Drop dead!" Daniel blurted and then in a softened tone, added, "I told it to drop dead."

"Oy…"

"I was speaking figuratively!"

"To a telepathic bird that had bonded to you and reacts instantly and positively to your every thought and command!"

Daniel sighed and picked up the dead bird. "What are we going to do?"

"Did Ba'hu see you with bird?"

"No. Only you."

"Okay, so we bury the bird and double-time to the 'gate. Teal'c and Carter have already taken the soil samples through."

"It just seems wrong."

"There was a good reason the locals wanted us to stay well clear of the wildlife."

"So we should just act as if nothing happened? Jack, I killed a bird."

"Yeah, well, I've always said your brain would get us into trouble one day."

"Jack!"

"What do you want me to say? That maybe the bird committed suicide rather than listen to your inner lectures?"

Daniel sighed theatrically and rummaged through his pack for his collapsible shovel. "Can we just get on with this before my guilt consumes me completely?"

"Arr, me hearty!"


End file.
